I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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