I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
