I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Randomize
