I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
