i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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