everyone is single if you try hard enough
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
