my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
