nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
