Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
