Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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