put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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