apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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