Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
