You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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