No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
