ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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