Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
NoShamevember. You game?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
