You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
