I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
