What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
