I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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