ya dads aren't the best wingmen
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
