We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
