Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So vagazzling was a success
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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