worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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