I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
