and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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