While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
