apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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