no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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