i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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