I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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