i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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