Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
