this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
