So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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