it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
