If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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