She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Say something about gay babies.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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