So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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