$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
