Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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