I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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