Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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