literally had 100 drinks last night.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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