he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Randomize
