I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
