I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
