If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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