You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
