you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
